To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
You Might Also Like
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.