*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope