My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
For those that worship cheese..
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?