Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!