ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.