*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.