At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but theyβre usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she canβt find a good man and she hasnβt let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Donβt let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…Iβm not the sex symbol you may think I am.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Just pushed my catβs paperwork off his desk.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesnβt it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Stamps be like βlick me and put me in the cornerβ
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Iβm not a doctor, which is why Iβm able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read βtemplateβ. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. π€¦π»ββοΈ