What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.