On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker