I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.