When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Gross if literal…Liverpool
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.