I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
You Might Also Like
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.