My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.