Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.