[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have