confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’ve had worse
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age