She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My boss called in sick of me
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
The first matador
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too