My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
thanksgiving in nutshell
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.