Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.