You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.