Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.