“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
tell em, edith-anne
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Aight bet
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.