“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
That’s easy for you to say
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
How can I say no to this ?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean