Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?