every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!