Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”