Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.