Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I’m already scared
happy friday
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.