Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: