What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’ll be mad as hell!
still the best tweet of the year by far
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha