If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.