Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.