(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Rich people don’t understand cereal