Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”