My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The little toadstool has spoken.