My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!