Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Just got to our Airbnb!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.