(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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life finds a way
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
She: I like Cats
He:
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.