Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Is this the real life?
Is this just