I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
👾👾👾
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I laughed at this way too hard.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie