ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
You Might Also Like
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
he was correct
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?