The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!