I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I can’t deal with men any longer
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*swipes right on my hand mirror
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Every. Damn. Time.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad