whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
okay run it by me one more time
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
What personal space?
My dog
So glad we cleared that up
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL