hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍