Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf