Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My plans: 2020:
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.