Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early