Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Smooooooth
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.