No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.